Offline Showersaflame.vets

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What I believe in

that's what I believe in



Interesting facts about me

My mission in life is yet to be complete. I will never be a perfect mom, daughter, sister, wife, or friend, so right now, my main mission in life is learning to love and accept me for me, and to remain a loving parent to the two son's the ex-hubby and I brought into this world.

The powers that be say: Personal trauma secondary to PTSD.
I aint gonna lie, this entire process of filing for compensation and pension is taking me to a place I really don't wanna be. I'm positive my hesitation in filing is due to wanting to forget the incidents in Germany and at Ft. Knox. The examiner was surprised and impressed with my relocation of events. See, with me, when things of personal nature such as this take place, I record them events and can recall em back just like total recall. Anything that deals with the shifting and changing of my emotions, I can remember very well. I remembered everything that happened to me in Germany, I mean right down to the incident of me trying to take my life….

The ride to the hospital in that yellow ambulance was unforgettable; sometimes I can still feel the EMS attempting to keep me conscious and awake. A few words in Dutch here, a few words in English there. I will never forget being laid out on that bed and seeing them bright lights and surrounded by folk in white, nor will I forget the process of the doctors stuffing that long tube down my throat.

Time after time, I am asked, why did you do it? And my reply: I wanted to go home (Back to the States). I had grown tired of the distance and being away from home. My spirit was restless and the unwanted advances from the males within my unit overwhelmed me to the point of no return. I wanted to die. I wanted the men to leave me alone! I wanted freaking respect! Respect me and my privacy, respect me and my body, respect the word NO!!!!!

When it comes to men, I am aggressive with regards to my space. If I extend my hand in attempt to provide some space between us, you better acknowledge it! If not, I will not hesitate to lock and load…That, "click-click" sound be music to my ears! I figured if the military was willing to train me in the area of marksmanship, I was going to take advantage of it. So much for, I am locked, cocked, and ready to rock! HOOOAH!

My blog

  1. what is sane

    06/26/08 14:49:20 | 0 Comments

    I matter, don't I?

    I was created for a reason, wasn't I?

    I'd like to think I wasn't created to be unequal tho, unequal in the sense of living and abiding by the laws of the land.

    Move from the south and go north, say what?

    Why must I move, I'm not the only individual feeling the inequality. "Well go back to Africa."

    Well when I try to connect to Africa, the natives, my ancestors, you know the source of my roots, I am...
  2. Piano keys

    06/23/08 19:36:30 | 0 Comments

    When I was overseas it wasn't too hard to locate places to end a pregnancy. I remember very well too. For this to have been a clinic on the economy it was a lot of Americans in there - all walks. As I sat there rubbing my tummy, I wondered if I was in the right place. I mean no one would know but me and my records wouldn't be released to the military without my approval/authoirty.

    What in the world is that thing with the two holes? And what's that long tube for? Once again,...
  3. Triggers

    06/16/08 15:50:20 | 0 Comments

    I guess I should expect some folk to not understand...but its hard, I aint gonna tell no story, them type of comments make me angry! And it make me think about them insensitive men from Germany and Ft. Knox. They made insensitive remarks, they laughed, and they made my life a living hell! Naw, I didnt have to be on no darn battle field heck i was in a freakin office and still got my tail violated!!! So dont' talk some mess about having to be on the battle field in order to have PTSD!!! It...
  4. Seasons

    06/10/08 21:35:44 | 0 Comments

    This is how I feel today...

  5. Gemini New Moon is near...

    06/03/08 14:23:02 | 0 Comments

    So, I talk to myself, and the dialoge be healing. I be listening to some of what society be saying, you knowk how some folks say its not sane to talk or answer yourself and I be like...what's wrong with listening to myself talk, what's crazy about listening to the things I think, what's wrong with talking and thinking to self out loud? I mean how do other folk rationalize and stuff? I mean what do folk do when its no one else around to talk to? It kinda anger me how folk overlook the...
  6. Wan Gib

    06/02/08 20:08:12 | 0 Comments

    Maybe I do have issues with men in positions of authoirty...

    I be asking come I have to be stuck serving duty with men who don't care about the well being of the entire squad, unit, or command? Why I gotta be in the company of the dishonest? I'm tired of having to work with men, maybe i wouldn't be tired if I didn't have to constantly deal with the looks, stares, and comments.

    Sometimes I be this how you talk to your wife, your mother,...
  7. Sanity

    05/22/08 21:01:21 | 0 Comments

    Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail stating that the VA was still processing my claim for compensation. It's been about six months since my original claim and I'm curious to know if anyonoe will answer the questions I asked in my statements.

    Honestly, I am tired of the entire process. I wish everything would just end, not my life, and I say that because for some reason the powers that be feel as if I am going to take my life. Nah, I don't wish to take my life, I'm...
  8. Clutter

    05/13/08 15:14:58 | 0 Comments

    I want to go outside and smoke me a clove. Why do I like clove smokes? Well, they remind me of the holiday dinners my grandmama used to cook. Back in the day, yeah, when I used to eat pork, I couldn't wait for grandmama to make that honey glazed ham! I knew once it was in the oven that clove would get to smelling up the place! That's why I like clove smokes, they remind me of something good. I know smoking can kill me but whats the less of the two evils? The swine or...
  9. Test 2

    05/12/08 21:18:35 | 0 Comments

    Well, I sat there looking at that blue computer screen with silver, no, maybe white text, and thought to myself...hmmm this test is a lot like the first one I took. Same general questions with some additions. As I sat there reading the directions, I thought about what my ptherapist had mentioned with regards to what type of test I was taking: this is a regular keyboard, its not going to time your keystrokes, nor is there a camera to capture your expressions/acts. I sat there for a mintue...

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